Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
