why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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