The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
