His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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