Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
