tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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