my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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