We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
