We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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