I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
