worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think i have two assholes
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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