thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
