so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
