My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
