Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i dont even know how to be here
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
