my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
