It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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