Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
