Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
