I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
