Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize