The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
