I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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