He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is wine microwaveable?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
