Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
