So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
