Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
