It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
