I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
