This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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