Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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