take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
