Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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