i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
