I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
