And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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