i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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