our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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