Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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