I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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