That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
