Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
