I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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