I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
