So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
