Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
