I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
