I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
