just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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