a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?