It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
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did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something