Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
