I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
