I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dicks are not precious.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
