True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
