Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
