So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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