I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
