The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
