someone get that fucking seahorse.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
